Fabulously

All of my life. It’s a lonely time at sea.

So, I need a shout box for this never ending fucking torment again. Whats up tumblr.

In the two decades I’ve had to deal with shitty situation, after shitty situation I found something that I thought was basically the best thing to ever walk this earth, and I let myself think for one second that things really were about to get better for me that things were really going to get fairly easy, simple and happy. Nothing like what my life has ever been. I eased up, stopped protecting myself from that shit, let myself believe for just a second that things were going to change that this weight I’ve hauled with me from childhood, through high school, in to college and to this day, was finally at that point, that wonderful peaceful point where everything just kind of seems to make sense. It felt like I had spent my life in a room full of glassware that was constantly falling and breaking, shattering in to pieces. Then everything stopped, for a second, the noise, the brokenness that I saw every single day just stopped.

But now, that I realize 100%, beyond a shadow of a doubt that this wonderfully beautiful person didn’t come in to my life for that, I have to somehow put every single piece of who I am back together. I’m almost done, almost back to that guy that just is ok with everything and hides his sad ass pathetic life from everyone. Part of that, is closing off the random thoughts and random pictures that pop in to my head that explain in small ways just how terrible the scream inside my head is. So, I’m done with tumblr for a long time. I don’t think anyone actually reads any of this, or really gives a fuck about what I post, but I’ll leave this here. In the rare occasion that someone does read, and actually gave a fuck.

Undoubtedly i’ve accept my loneliness and inability to make even a friend. My mistake wasn’t in loving someone, that never is. Opening my heart was a mistake. I knew it before I got here… well before I did. This is simply part of the process.